Be kinder to yourself.
And then let your kindness flood the world.
And then let your kindness flood the world.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NLT
It has been way too long since I’ve written a blog post... but I have been struggling big time with depression and loneliness. I felt as if I had to get myself together before I could be a servant or source of encouragement to anyone else.
At the end of last summer I moved back to New York City where I grew up. After living in Jacksonville, Florida for the past 3 years, it has been difficult adjusting to the fast pace and the grind of this crowded city. My life quickly became all about work and caring for my daughter. I stopped attending church regularly, and I squeeze in devotion right before I pass out each night. I also haven’t been able to reconnect with a lot of my friends and family. Even though almost all of them know I’m back home, it seems like they’re not interested or too busy to spend time with me... That’s how the loneliness really started to set in.
The thought of writing and maintaining this blog is difficult because I feel like I’m not in a place to give spiritual or practical advice to anyone. I am in a place where I’m struggling to encourage myself. And most days it feels as if there is no one around to encourage me. Not to mention, I typically don’t get much engagement through the blog, so I thought to myself What’s the point? No one will even miss it...
But as I look closely at my circumstances and my life, I am starting to see that there are people around, and I am capable of encouraging myself. I have the tools to be free from depression and doubt. I have the victory in Christ, and I want to be intentional about walking in it. More importantly, there is something that I’m supposed to get out of this time, and I know that this season will be beneficial for me and my ministry to other young women. Many people go through life not knowing their purpose, but I know what God has called me to. I can’t let my emotions immobilize me from the life God has called me to.
Some days I feel so empowered through the Holy Spirit--I feel that I have the Word at my fingertips and I can overcome any situation through Christ who gives me strength, and other days I feel totally helpless and as if my life has no meaning. I feel as if God is punishing me and I wonder Why doesn’t He just end my life if He isn’t going to make anything of it? If He’s not going to allow me to be happy, if He’s not going to bless me the way He’s blessing everyone around me, then what’s the point?
Get ready to read about some totally varying and contradictory feelings, because whether or not I have the followers or anyone to engage with me on this site, I’ve decided to document my journey/struggle. Over the next few weeks I will backtrack and share what I’ve been going through and what God has been teaching me and developing and activating in me. And moving forward I will continue to document this journey—this struggle of not allowing myself to become overcome by feelings--this journey toward embracing the truth.
It’s not easy being this vulnerable and this public about my pain, but the time for healing and purpose is now. I pray that you will engage with me through the comments and I pray that this journey will comfort and encourage you or someone you know not to give up in seasons when your phone is dry and you feel all alone. Or if you’re like me and you just want to have peace of mind through your busy and demanding schedule, contentment with where God has placed you, and unwavering confidence in your purpose and worth--please go on this journey with me. God wants us to grow through our difficult seasons. He wants to use us right now! And most of all he wants us to trust him with our lives. He is not 1,000,000 miles away and we are not alone...I am not alone.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for being my source of life, my source of hope and my source of comfort. Thank you for giving me the strength and the wherewithal to serve others when I don’t always feel like it.
You said it is not good for man to be alone, so you created relationships, you sent us a Comforter, and you yourself have not taken your presence from us.
You are with us always, even until the end of the age.
Thank you for loving us so much dear Lord.
Teach me how to walk in the victory that you have already won for me.
Give me the strength and the ability to serve and to witness for your Glory.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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