It has been almost a year since I’ve published a blog post, and even longer than that since I’ve published a personal one. There are many reasons for this including, being busy and shifting my focus onto the shop, and developing new products. But one of the main reasons I haven’t opened up publicly in maybe two years is because the last time I did I was hurt by comments and opinions about my personal life and decision-making. I know this is a consequence of being public with your life, but I wasn’t expecting it at the time …
But that was then, and I have learned so much between that experience and a few other life-changing events that have hit me like a tsunami since I started Queens on Purpose in 2018. I feel incredibly fortunate to have some level of success and to be still growing and following my dream. There have been so many occasions in which I’ve wanted to quit and others in which I have felt like I wasn’t excelling. However, I am thankful to God for His favors upon me, and I am thankful for my customers and every single person who has supported me in any capacity.
This post is a bit more personal than that though… In the last two years my lack of self-love and not realizing my worth has landed me in less than desirable predicaments, and has led to bouts of depression and anxiety. I know we hear those terms used a lot more freely nowadays, but for me it was a daily reality, not just buzzwords or excuses for complaining when I “didn’t get my way”. At first I didn’t realize it. But as the chest pains, migraines, racing-heart, procrastination, and overthinking increased, it was clear that I wasn’t myself. For the past two years I have been on the defensive. Defending my actions, feelings, decisions, and even my thinking to the people around me was all I seemed to do. I won’t go so deep as to explain the circumstances surrounding these actions and reactions, but if you know me personally you already know what I’m talking about. The main idea in all this is that if I had the correct understanding of my worth and what I deserved, and if I had loved myself enough to wait on certain things, to leave certain situations that weren’t serving me, and to be unphased with rejection, I would have saved myself a lot of tears.
But it’s okay... Between June 2018 and May 2020, I have been so blessed. I have learned so much. Now I am in a new situation and season of reconnecting with myself and drawing closer to Almighty God…And I’m sorry if in my time of hurting, I hurt anyone else...
Today I was listening to some music and twisting my hair in the bathroom mirror, and I couldn’t keep myself from dancing. It had been so long since I even put my headphones in and listened to music that I enjoy. It felt great and I began to admire myself in the mirror. I thought about how silly I must look, yet I was enjoying myself and I was enjoying what I saw. I saw myself smiling--smiling back at me! Smiling because I was so thankful to be safe and to be at home enjoying myself, by myself. I thought, “Man! This is fun! I need to do this everyday and lose some weight!”
Then I thought that I should share this experience with the world. I should share this moment of self-love. Maybe I could get other people dancing too! Be silly, and have some fun! I know I’m not the only woman who’s had or is having this struggle. I know I’m not on this journey alone. As human beings, we all are seeking fulfillment, and all too often many of us seek it in the wrong place and in the wrong people. Then I thought about how I would feel if my sharing wasn’t accepted by others, or if my sharing was simply ignored, and I started to doubt the whole idea. As the music played on, I recognized my other bad habits: needing acceptance and fearing rejection. These are side effects of not truly loving yourself and not being comfortable in your own skin with your idiosyncrasies and flaws. But I am challenging myself with this! So, I decided I would share my dance party experience! I would share this silly moment of me having fun and enjoying myself, and I would share a little bit of my story...
I hope I’ve inspired someone not to give up, to find joy in being who you are, and more importantly to just enjoy life while you can. And in doing this, I am challenging myself not to give a crap who is looking, liking, commenting, sharing--or not!
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